Why, Yes. Let's be Self-Centered.

It's been quite some time. Since I last visited this page. Since I wrote. Since I laughed wholeheartedly. Since I picked up a book and managed to finish it. Since I allowed myself to just be.

Writing used to be a recreational outlet for me. And I still didn't bother to write. I kept telling myself I won't write unless I have something substantial to say/share. Did it have its repercussions? To put it plainly, yes, it did.
Yet, I have regretted my speech, never my silence.
You may ask why am I writing here now? Well, mostly because I've been forced to write by somebody who inspires me I do have something to say.

Most of us are striving to become something extraordinary in our lives. Our role models are superstars, media personalities, famous politicians and what not. We aspire to become like them. Nobody cares about the ordinary. Basically, we all want to be VIPs.
Not all of us might end up becoming one of them VIPs, for factors which might/might not be beyond our control.
Yet, in this rat race of life, we fail to realize there is yet another kind of person that we should rather strive to become. A better person. Everyday. A W.I.P (work in progress) kinda person.

I don't care if it sounds funny.

We curse our society, our government, our culture, the people around us everyday for their incompetence. Only if we could shift our focus to ourselves, and only work on bettering ourselves as a person, we could be a lot happier.
We cannot control what happens around us. What  we can control is how we choose to react to those events.

I used to be a very immature, angry person earlier. The one who would flip out at the slightest provocation.

I have let go of some really great people because I was too busy judging them, focusing on unnecessary stuff, and wasting my time. 

Do I regret it? No. 

Why you ask? Because as I said, I'm a W.I.P.

I will learn, improvise, adapt, and overcome. One step at a time. 

On an unrelated note, I've been introspecting on the past year, and the lessons it has provided me with. Most of them, I believe, are universally valid. Hence, sharing:

• Kindness is grossly underrated.
• Our society's measures of a successful life need some serious re-evaluation. 
• The corporate jargon "everybody is dispensable" stands invalidated in real life.
• Your age has got nothing to do with your level of maturity. 
• It's important to treat others in the way you expect to be treated. 
• That life does open a door when it closes one on us. We just have to look hard enough for the door that's opened. 

I know. Too much of gyaan in a single post. And that most of my life lessons sound like modern-day cliches. But as they say, we never really understand the gravity of things/words unless they happen to us. 

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I'm changing myself ~ Rumi 

Healing....

There is this statutory message in my office elevator. Something on the lines of:

"LIFT IS EQUIPPED WITH AUTOMATIC RESCUE DEVICE. IN CASE OF FAILURE, KINDLY DO NOT PANIC"

For a very weird/unknown reason, I always misread it as:

"LIFE IS EQUIPPED WITH AUTOMATIC RESCUE DEVICE. IN CASE OF FAILURE, KINDLY DO NOT PANIC"

Yes, you can call me weird, but it's happened with me at least ten times on different occasions. And for a strange reason, I always find my version of this statutory warning as a very comforting one. Like being offered hot cocoa on a chilly, winter day. That's the kind of fuzzy feeling I get every time I look at that message.

On certain days, I'm surprised how soon I've convinced myself that my life is never going to be the same. I go to the office, I pretend to laugh, have fun, socialize with other people, work, procrastinate, study, and basically do all the "normal" things.

However, scratch on the surface (which I often do), and voila, I'm a totally changed person. Though, I' afraid I'm not very proud of what I've become now.
There was this bubbling energy in me earlier, and that stupid habit of seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses. That is gone. Some simple pleasures are permanently ruined for me too (won't go around naming them here..would take forever).

However, I'm amazed at the inner strength that helped me cope through my personal tragedy.  I shifted my focus to things that I needed to do (both tangible and intangible). Given my unmotivated self, I'm truly amazed at how these simple things have helped me overcome the most difficult situation in my life ever. To sum them up:

• started focusing on the have's rather than have not's. 
• started driving 
• joined a gym and started treating my body with a li'l more respect
• got my brother's tattoo
• did away with unnecessary people (relatives/cousins/so-called friends) and the drama they bring along
• value my family a LOT more (well, I always did but now, they are Les Supreme)

I set mini-goals for myself now and try to achieve them, one step at a time. 

When I'd written my last blog entry, needless to say I was shattered. Not that I'm not anymore. But I've learnt to accept things that can't be undone, and shifted my focus on people around me who matter, things that I want to achieve for me, and provide them with. 

I'm still getting over it. I guess healing is a long, slow process. Quite unlike the blow I was dealt out with. But I'm optimistic now. Because I know people who mattered to me are always with me and will be with me. Amen. 

"It's not forgetting that heals. It's remembering." ~ Amy Greene, Bloodroot

My tears refuse to dry.....And there is nothing that seems to make sense to me now.
I don't know where you are or if you can see what we all are going through here. I miss you. I miss you so much.
The event of that night keep flashing in front of my eyes, till the time I'm choked with an unrelenting sense of sadness.

They tell me to be strong. I'm trying but I know I'm failing miserably. This world does not make sense to my any more. I wish you were here.

There is no one to make us laugh any more after a tiring day at work. There is no one to fight over chocolates with. There is no one who would ever care to drop me home like you did, no one who would ever care how I felt about things. No one who would make fun of my choices, no one who would get me huge bouquets on my birthday. No one whom I can buy that Blackberry for, no one who would force me to listen to Punjabi songs. No one to take care of papa, like you did. No one who would pester me at midnight for dinner, no one who would pull pranks at me, scare me or make us laugh till our stomachs hurt. no one comes to me now asking for tips on colour combinations and clothes, no one who can provide that feeling of being safe and being protected, being looked after. I miss you so much.

This world is cruel. There is no one with us here, no one who came forward to support or even offer an explanation. No one owned it up.  They came and they went away. It's this emptiness that's left. Why did you have to leave us alone? I am mad. Mad as hell at that wretch of a god who snatched you away. They tell me he loved you more than we did. I hope he is taking good care of you up there. I really, really hope you are happy wherever you are.
If not, believe me, I'm going to smack this god when I meet him.

I know my childhood is behind me. Our room, the things you would get us, that tape recorder you were making fun of, your stuff, your car.....its all here. It all reminds me of you. Each of it breaks my heart. Your stuff will remain here just as it was, just as you would have wanted. I am not going to let anyone touch any of it.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what either of us are going to do. But believe me, I'm trying my best. All of us are trying our best. We will do whatever we can to take care of mummy and papa just as you would have. And yes, I am going to get all that stuff you would ask for, do all the things that you wanted. You've went away and taken away a part of us. My words have failed me.

I hope you are happy wherever you are. I hope you get a much, much better life than you had here. And I hope you will come back into our lives one day.

I miss you so much.


I'd withheld not writing any of it here for the longest time now.And after years, I'm using my words just to pour my heart out hoping it will lessen the ache.  I am closing the comments on this one for the very same reason.