Making sense of it all..

Has it ever happened to you that you tried reading a "famous" novel or watching a movie but couldn't get it? And then you happen to come across the same novel or movie again, years later, give it another try and voila, it seems to make sense? Not only make sense but you are better capacitated to appreciate the beauty of it?

Well, I don't know how many of you reading this would agree to the above statement but it most definitely has happened to me. So many times. Case in point, its true that we mature over years and become more able to handle things we couldn't even understand earlier.
The funny thing is there are so many things in my life which still baffle me in quite the same fashion as they used to years earlier. These are the things which make me doubt if I'm growing and becoming mature by the day at all or not!

Most of them are regarding people in my life and not things anymore. Tangible things, complex subjects and issues I can handle now, its the people around me which baffle me. Like this best friend I never had. I never could quite understand whether she liked me, hated me or secretly despised me. I still can't. It was like being judged all the time. Being judged if you achieve something, being judged if you date a guy and being terribly judged on how to behave and my clothes when I used to be around her. I never quite came around to telling her that this behavior of her's confuses me, not to forget prevents me from respecting her completely.
Also, that she was this perfectly normal, affectionate friend for others, but for me.
God knows it that the day I lose it or I'm too drunk, I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind. But maybe, I'm just too coward to do it, thinking it would hurt her feelings and all.

I fail to understand why we allow ourselves to become a doormat for someone, allow ourselves to be "used" emotionally, mentally and professionally by others. In our hearts, we know we would never take this bullshit and we still do.
It's this human tendency to be loved, to be wanted and the due course, somewhere it all just gets too confusing.

These people around me are the new "challenging" novels in my life that I still haven't been able to figure out. But eventually I will and probably, I would also then know how to behave appropriately.

Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values ~ Marshall Rosenberg