Looking Back.....

We live in excess. We have just too many people around us, just too many things to do, just too many issues to tackle and just too many emotions that we feel. Just too many choices to make and too many moments in future wait for us to contemplate on the what-if's.

And amidst all these excesses, we don't really value anything or anyone till it's gone or is temporarily unavailable. Taking something for granted is always easier than acknowledging, right? 

I am 23 now and kill me for saying it, but I already miss all the good moments I had in my past, wondering if they ever will come back. Yeah, optimism has never been my strong point.
I remember living like crazy when the days were numbered, feeling obligated to rejoice all the good moments cause soon there would be none. Spending all that I had, living in the moment,  not being politically correct and being prone too. Prone to being hurt, be happy, be open to any kind of emotions basically.

I don't do that anymore. Don't get hurt too easily, don't get happy too easily.. 

I have absolutely no clue when and where did those people go from my life. Actually, I do. And it seemed like the most sane and logical thing to happen back then. Looking back, it seems letting them go was the most stupid decision I made. And don't tell me that people are replaceable or shit like, every one has a role to play in someone else's life and then they leave when their part is over.

You might find lots of more people (it's not hard to find more people to interact with), but you can never replace the ones who helped you form your most memorable moments.
Best part? Those very same people seem like completely different individuals now. Time, you are one big manipulative bitch and yet, your bitchiness commands absolute respect.

There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly taken-for granted relationships. ~Iris Murdoch

The Happy post

There are only two types of women this world...beautiful women and lazy women.  I read these lines in some fashion magazine a while ago.
I guess, I fall in the second category. However, that does not negate the fact that I have the highest regard of women my age, older and younger who take that extra effort to groom themselves.

I have never been the prim and proper girl. And I strongly doubt if I ever will be. For starters, my hair's always a mess and on most mornings, I just manage to put together an ensemble from the huge pile of clothes I keep shopping for.
My favorite pastime, ironically, is shopping for everything high-street and scouring fashion blogs. They kinda inspire me, motivate me to be a lil more presentable (however, that motivation vanishes the moment I close that tab)

My supposedly intellectual, feminist self refuses to be drowned in a farce-personality of too many accessories, make up and well-put clothes. Should that make me sad?

I don't think so. Because I know there are way too many other things which should matter and do matter to me than being just jaw-dropping-kinda presentable.

Also, I realized the trick to be happy. Happiness, the phenomenal feeling which needs to be risen from within yourself if you want to be truly happy. There's no point relying on something, someone, some experience or some state of mind to be happy. Because if the presence of that (person, product, experience) has the ability to make us happy in its presence, it also has the ability to make us feel terrible in its absence. On the other hand, the happiness that we feel on our own small successes, everyday learning and experiences cannot be substituted. And I can say this from personal experience. ;)

On a good note, I'm back to exercising regularly (nothing beats the thrill of going jogging on a chilly, winter morning) and reading.

P.S - The image here sums up all that I wanted to say. Take your cue, by happy! :) 

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed.” ~ Audrey Hepburn

'Tis a season of confessions

I'm gonna write this post in a single stream of consciousness, i.e. I will not go back to edit any of the stuff that I write here now. So, please don't complain if the post ends up sounding incoherent or weird...You Were Warned!

I started this blog way back in 2008. Read through some of my older posts and I went like, "jeez, I can't believe I wrote that, how could I even think that?".

I have grown up since then. My school of thought has undergone severe metamorphosis while I finished college, did odd jobs, graduated, tried some more jobs, lost friends I thought I never would,  found new friends, been surrounded with people, been alone, experimented with things I shouldn't have, did stuff which I should have.....

Nevertheless, I wouldn't change a thing about those posts or the way I used to think about then.I wouldn't change a thing about my past, because it helped me reach the stage in life where I am today ( and may I dare say, its not a bad phase at all).

I have chronicled a lot of important events in this blog, purged and shared experiences here. However, there are still a few which I never admitted to. Not even to myself.

One of it is about how I feel for others,  especially guys. (Yeah, we are talking about my non-existent love life here).
When I was 16, I had a crush on this guy, who was, to put it simply, way out of my league. It felt great initially and then it spiraled into endless bouts of disappointment and depression. The knowledge that that guy would never feel the same about me as I did about him wasn't very great. My grades suffered, so did my self-confidence.
And I ended up shifting my entire focus to my career to get out of that miserable feeling. In the next few years, I managed to do a decent job on the education/professional front and hardened myself to the fancy-shmancy world of dating, coz seriously, I didn't want my confidence to take another beating.

When this year started, I made a simple resolution - to stay true to myself in whatever I do.

I've been in denial for quite some time now. But I shall chronicle it here (again) and accept the fact that I did get a new crush after so many years. The only difference is that I'm not in school anymore, and having crushes at workplace isn't the best thing that can happen to you. To start with, your productivity just goes for a toss and you keep feeling miserable all day long. I realized I haven't changed/improved much in this aspect. I get positively tongue-tied every time I see him, let alone saying a feeble "hi" to him. So, I end up acting like either a total jerk or probably give off the impression of being "some bitch with an attitude problem" to him.

I still keep this guy-who-shall-not-be-named on a very high pedestal, thinking he is never going to take even a second look at me. (okay, who am I really kidding here, this guy wouldn't even care that I exist on the face of this earth)

But this time, I shall give this guy the  basic respect he deserves to get, and not try to deride him just for the sake of convincing myself that he is not worth my time or shit like that). If anything, he made me realize that I'm still normal, not emotionally-hardened and can still actually have crushes. (I had a strong self-doubt on the last one ;)

Just that I'm wise enough not to make a fool of myself again by hoping against the hopes that he would ever notice me. Which is okay, really. I'm sure I'm lucky in some other department of life, say career or family or friends. ;)
I'm more glad I at least accepted it.

And you still don't have the right look, and you don't have the right friends,
Nothing changes but the faces, the names and the trends,
High school never ends ~ Carl Reiner

Take Light

 "You said a lot of stuff last night".

"Really? Shit, I can't believe I ended up being so stupid. I was drunk. I didn't mean to say it all. I don't know how I ended up doing that. Was I really rude or harsh?"

"Well, you were okay. You said what you felt and yes, you were a bit rude. But how does that make a difference? The truth is out, alcohol does that to you."

Well, yeah. Alcohol does that to you. It makes you say things you wouldn't say otherwise. It makes you do things you wouldn't do otherwise. It makes you behave like the person you wouldn't normally behave like.

We all are two-faced. No, wait, three-faced maybe. One face is for the world. The other is for people whom we think, know us. And the third face is who looks back at us, when we try to view ourselves in the mirror. Most of us try to hide it.

Why? Did you ask?

Coz we all have our secrets. Little, big, irrelevant, deal-breakers, humbling, humiliating secrets. We all have them. Most of the times, its our opinion on something or feelings about someone that don't seem completely justified, and hence, end up being our "secrets". It would feel terrible to know that somebody else, who isn't familiar with our "third" face knows our secret. No?

Well, I'm gonna let in a little secret here - It is okay to share secrets. It is perfectly okay to share those tiny, insignificant ones which you know aren't going to get your world crashing down. It is okay to purge once in a while.
It is also okay to let out a big secret, however humiliating or hurtful, it might be, when the need arises. When the other person deserves to know. It is okay to unload our weight, shed off some excess baggage once in a while.

Though, most of the times, share it with people who know you. Who have seen your "second face" and whom you can count on to understand you. Your life will be incredibly light and more relieved.
Share secrets. Live light. ;)

Tell your friend a lie. If he keeps it a secret, then tell him the truth ~ Old Proverb

A History of Violence

I've never faced a riot in my life. Considering the fact, that I happen to live in a country which is considered the fourth most unsafe country to live in (yup, that's true as per a recent survey), I count myself lucky.

Living in a developing nation which is prone to terror attacks, rapes, daylight murders and mugging, I often used to think that may be things are better when it comes to other much developed nations of the world. Turns out, it is not.

London has been burning for the fifth day in row now. In fact, the entire Great Britain has been burning. I fail to understand what is so great about Great Britain? It's a nation which predominantly seemed to have the most powerful currency after dollar. The fate of most European trading union could be vastly affected by this single nation till the time its president decided to scoot off to Italy to make the most out of his summer vacation while the entire world waited. Waited for their government to come back in form and announce if they were taking any steps to salvage their reputation.

Agreed that it was a melting pot for various cultures and the "minorities" residing here exceeded the white Britons by leaps and bounds. Agreed that their police forces were considered the most tolerant and their royal family was as regal as regal could be.

Turns out, the various ethnic minorities living here were nursing a grudge, a deep-seated grudge of being treated unfairly by their government, their police forces were not as aggressive in the need of the hour and the decadent royal family.....the lesser said about them, the better.

Hooligans have been torching cars, killing people, looting showrooms and mugging people. Most of these "hooligans" are no older than 20-somethings, wearing hooded clothes to hide their identity and belong to one or the other minority group. What started as a peaceful protest against the illegitimate killing of a civilian has now taken the form of a national epidemic.
At first, the world thought that maybe they are reacting to the unequal treatment meted out to the minority groups. Then it was believed that the masses were revolting against the oppressive government rule and major cuts in public funding that the British government announced to mitigate its debt. It was only after millions of dollars (pounds?) of resources were destroyed in these riots, that the British govt. finally acknowledged it as insurgency.

Just because they had social media at their disposal, opportunity to plunder and feed their insatiable desire for consumerism, these people took advantage of the weak policing and wreaked havoc citing reasons as lame as rebellion against spending cuts.

I just have one question in my mind. What are these people rebelling against? That their nation is faced with the similar recession problem that the rest of the world is battling with?What were they thinking when torching showrooms and mugging people? What sort of rebellion is this?

Maybe, this sums its up - Note that from all reports we know, these rioters come from very different races–including native English people–varying age-groups, different jobs, and includes men as well as women. Among those found looting shops were people in their 30s as well as kids as young as 11. Many of them were seen laughing and having a grand ol’ time as they ransacked liquor shops and stashed up on cigarettes and whiskey and beer bottles.
 These rioters are rudderless, mindless, collectivist drones.
And therein lies the clue to their behavior. Ask yourself, how does one become a rudderless, mindless, collectivist drone? One answer is when you are never confronted with the necessity to use your own independent mind.
The United Kingdom of Great Britain–one of the largest welfare states in the world–has been nurturing and breeding a mind-numbed cadre of youngsters who are living on dole-outs, whose life, survival, and sustenance are someone else’s responsibility.
These are people who are not demanded to think and confront the fragility of their own survival. These are Britons who are not demanded to be productive. These are citizens who are shielded from the bitter sting of starvation; from the panic of creeping death and the urgency of survival, much hundreds of other less fortunate nations in the world.
What we see now is the logical consequence of a mighty, paternalistic welfare state breeding a class of moochers who simply find no urgency in using their own mind to think–to reason–and therefore, believes that they simply cannot find their own way out of marginalization.
Indeed, this underclass of citizens has been so dis-empowered–not by any remnants of a capitalist structure in English society–but by the very bloated welfare government that was allegedly meant to “empower” them that they no longer believe it possible to them to get out of their miserable conditions.

It's a sad situation and maybe, just maybe, once Britain is done dealing with this terrible episode, world media will hail it again for its fierce and quick response or hail the indomitable spirit of Britons who have been bravely facing riots in its hisotry. (Mumbai terror attacks, anyone).

Instead of a quote, I'm gonna leave you with a link shared by my friend, Rachit which reveals the true picture of this macabre event.

Sounds Famil(y)iar?

"Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves.  They don't even mean to be your family, they just are".

I came across these lines recently. So simple and yet they answered one of my most favorite questions about my family that I often ask myself.

Families are weird. Either that, or I really need a psychiatric. I don't know what is it with families, sometimes, I even fail to understand the concept of a family.
Why do we even really need one, like really? Ok, strike that, that's just my fed-up mind speaking.
I see friends. And their friends. And friends of friends of friends. All of them belong to some family and what surprises me most is that no two friends would ever boast of having identical families.
Everyone's is unique and the problems, characteristics, qualities they come with are quite unique as well.

On days, we would love them. We would hate them but we can't imagine our lives without them. They are our first point of contact with humans when we enter this world (for most of us, at least).

I have friends who want to give a serious thought to "starting a family in near future".
Phew, I guess that's a whole lot of hard work, responsibilities and headache that we sign up ourselves for.

From a point that I see it, raising a family is no child's play. And your kids will eventually imbibe your qualities, will reflect and even follow your acts, accept you/ reject you as their role models depending upon the conditioning they receive.
So, if you are a great person, you will probably bring in more number of nice individuals in this world. But if you are someone who is not quite sure of him/herself, morally/mentally breaks down during the tedious process of raising a family, there are chances that the children too, will spend a considerable amount of time trying to figure out wrong from the right, exploring things, know themselves and then, take a stand.

I know I'm probably too inexperienced to be writing all this.
On days, I really wonder what would have I been had I not been living with my family. I know I would have been a far more independent and calmer person. But then, I know I would also have not imbibed some moral qualities that I have and take pride in.

We can choose our friends, but we cannot select which family we ultimately get born into.
So, no matter how much we crib/hate/love/be embarrassed of/adore/get jealous of our families, that is one truth that we can't change about ourselves.
I guess I will make peace with that fact too and graciously accept my at-times embarrassing, at-times supportive and madhouse loud Punjabi family with utmost humility.
Maybe that should calm me down, for some time at least. 

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.  ~Author Unknown

Making sense of it all..

Has it ever happened to you that you tried reading a "famous" novel or watching a movie but couldn't get it? And then you happen to come across the same novel or movie again, years later, give it another try and voila, it seems to make sense? Not only make sense but you are better capacitated to appreciate the beauty of it?

Well, I don't know how many of you reading this would agree to the above statement but it most definitely has happened to me. So many times. Case in point, its true that we mature over years and become more able to handle things we couldn't even understand earlier.
The funny thing is there are so many things in my life which still baffle me in quite the same fashion as they used to years earlier. These are the things which make me doubt if I'm growing and becoming mature by the day at all or not!

Most of them are regarding people in my life and not things anymore. Tangible things, complex subjects and issues I can handle now, its the people around me which baffle me. Like this best friend I never had. I never could quite understand whether she liked me, hated me or secretly despised me. I still can't. It was like being judged all the time. Being judged if you achieve something, being judged if you date a guy and being terribly judged on how to behave and my clothes when I used to be around her. I never quite came around to telling her that this behavior of her's confuses me, not to forget prevents me from respecting her completely.
Also, that she was this perfectly normal, affectionate friend for others, but for me.
God knows it that the day I lose it or I'm too drunk, I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind. But maybe, I'm just too coward to do it, thinking it would hurt her feelings and all.

I fail to understand why we allow ourselves to become a doormat for someone, allow ourselves to be "used" emotionally, mentally and professionally by others. In our hearts, we know we would never take this bullshit and we still do.
It's this human tendency to be loved, to be wanted and the due course, somewhere it all just gets too confusing.

These people around me are the new "challenging" novels in my life that I still haven't been able to figure out. But eventually I will and probably, I would also then know how to behave appropriately.

Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values ~ Marshall Rosenberg

Missing the Point

There is this very interesting animated video which a friend showed me the other day.
The video featured 13 men, carrying heavy buckets of water from left to right. When the video starts, a warning message appears, "Notice the thirteen men in the video. One of them would drop the bucket. If you notice which one drops, you win".

Being my usual self, I got into my I-will-win-no-matter-what mode within seconds. For the next thirteen minutes, I observed the 13 men, painfully entering the screen from left, carrying the buckets in their hand and exiting from right.

When the video got over, I gave my friend a quizzical look. "Damn, no body dropped their bucket", I exclaimed.
"Wait, the video is not over yet", he said.

A message appeared on screen now. It said, "Did you notice that a bear appeared on the stage during the video, danced around and left?"

"Hell, no! I was watching the video closely. I didn't notice any bear coming on the stage", I exclaimed.

At my insistence, my friend replayed the video again. And there it was, halfway through the video, a white bear appeared on the corner of stage, jiggled around and left. I, on my part, was dumbfounded!

Was I really that stupid to not notice a huge bear? Or wait, maybe I could use a visit to the eye doctor.
"Well, that's not the case. It's all about your focus", my friend explained.
"When you were watching the video, you were too busy trying to find fault with one of the 13 men that you forgot to notice anything else in the video."

The moral of the story is simple - We only see what our eyes want to see and our eyes will not see what our mind does not know.

Maybe, that's what I have been doing for quite some time now. Focusing too hard on certain things while completely ignoring others.When I started writing this blog, it was a way to vent out my feelings and experiences, even if they didn't mean anything to anyone but me.
Sometimes it felt nice to come up with a "good" post which people liked and appreciated. However, I was not trying to become some super talented writer whose pen spewed only thought-provoking words. I was just laying bare my feelings, because sometimes its good to get the word out.  

But that's just it!!!!
It gets stupid when you start focusing too hard on something that you used to do effortlessly earlier. Be it writing, drawing, acting, selling, cooking anything!

It becomes more of a distraction than an ease when something which is the source of your catharsis becomes the reason for your distraction. Maybe, that's what I stop need to do. Trying too hard where I don't need to.

This whole time when I did not record my experiences or memories simply seems as it just "flew by". Truth is, I stopped taking time out to appreciate little things, record special experiences My entire focus throughout this time was to make something out of my life. So much so,  that I forgot to see what my life has to offer me right now. I looked straight through it. That's precisely when I missed the point. ,

Writing was a distraction. Taking out time to write seemed like a burden.  When I would sit down to write, ideas wouldn't come because frankly, I never bothered to look up and notice things around me as they are.
My entire focus was to bring back my original style till the time I sat wondering,"Heck, I don't even know what IS my original style. How can I recreate something I have no fucking idea about."

Truth is, I might miss writing sometimes. But what I miss more is acknowledging and appreciating the day-to-day experiences that life has to offer me. Because my real learnings are from the experiences I had. Not from some lame posts on a virtual platform.
Maybe my original style lies in observing my life from a closer perspective. Documenting it in a blog could only qualify as a formality I do in the end of that process. I don't really miss the writing, I just miss the memories, which could have been!

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self ~ Cyril Connolly

Suits Me? Suits Me Not?

There is no such thing as a one-size-suits-all in certain aspects of our lives, I guess. In the last few months, I've figured out certain aspects where I would prefer a custom tailoring please.

I write. Or rather, let's just say I used to write. Of late, I don't write. Don't write what I would have preferred to write, scribble my thoughts on a paper, type them out and share them. No, no, I just don't do that anymore.
Am I happy? Hell, no!
Let's just put it like this. I'm 22 years old. Have always been writing. Started out my career early, as a writer and pretty well flourished in it. And then, Bam! One wrong decision and I don't know what to do with my life anymore. Or rather, I do know but I just dont have enough guts to go out and do it.

Now, this is more or less of what I write(endless number of times in a day, mind you)

This is in reference to the job opening on XYZ job portal by you. I'm interested in applying for the position of Copywriter/Principal Correspondent/Editor/Sr. Content Developer and Corp Comm Manager post. Please find my resume attached. Available for discussion. Feel free to contact me at ***********.
Kind Regards
Prianca Arora

Well, yeah, that is more or less what I get to write nowadays. No, I'm not jobless. In fact, people tell me that I'd got myself quite a killer job (high pay, perks, stylish office, yada,yada,)
In fact, I work quite a lot. Enough to keep me busy and away from blogging. And that sucks!
There came a point when I was angry. Really angry. I was angry at all the people who forced me to go ahead and grab this opportunity with both hands. Could they not see what I was in for. I was angry at myself for being so naive.

Then, came a point of relentless damage control. Frantically applying everywhere to get out of my current situation. Seems life doesnt always work in our way. It was only after I got myself into a completely wrong job (for me) that I realised the importance of a right job and things which matter more than monetary incentives. But this time, jobs were hard to come by. A few did and they paid very handsomely too. The only glitch was that they wanted me to do boring, mechanical and completely technical work. Coming from an Arts background, I can't even begin to explain the  horrorful feeling when I realized that I'm surrounded by core-technical people, who might not have even a single creative bone in their body!
Okay, maybe I'm being a bit too harsh here but come on, like can't they see why I am looking for a change in the first place?

And now, it's all too funny to me now. I'm bored of being stressed, tired of applying. Plus, the negative factors at work just dont bother me anymore. It's like bing elevated to a higher state of calmness, from where you see things in a different light, from a new perspective that you'd never considered before.
I remember the old times. I had this huge list of things I wanted to buy when I would earn big bucks. Now, that I do have that kind of money, the desire to spend it is gone. Now, what do I do when I get my monthly paycheque? Nothing. I let it rot.

I have the option of moving out, leaving this job (and the big bucks) and simply go with the flow. Like take a break from work. Be vella. That would be a task for me now. Especially, with everyone around discouraging me. All they see is that paycheques would stop flowing in.
I feel that calmness and clarity might seep in my life once I get out. Honestly, I'm so used to working now that not working would demand some preserverance from me. On hindsight, I'm thankful I had this experience so early in my life. It's not until we find ourselves in completely unsuitable situations that we realize what suits us most, realize the importance of things  and people who matter but whom we took for granted earlier.

It's never too late to be what you might have been! ~ George Eliott

Not Giving Up!

Hello you shiny, happy, people. Been quite some time, eh?
Wish you guys a very, very Happy New Year! :)
Yeah, I know I'm a little late in the day but then, punctuality has never really been my style and no, I'm not proud of it. 
In fact, I've had a pretty hard time trying to tame myself, instill some self-discipline in me and keep doing things which I need to do. Getting out of discipline can be a terrible, terrible thing. So I learnt in the last four months when I allowed the monotony of my routine life take complete control over me.

It's kind of a phase when you get so embroiled in your day, doing the same task everyday that you forget whether you are living your life or is your life living you. It becomes more important to sit online in front of the office computer than to squeeze out an hour for taking a jog in the park or spending time with people who matter to you.

Moments before I started writing this blog, I was going through my last post (which was written ages ago it seems). I was surprised to read it. No, frankly, I sound so mature and sorted-about-life kinda girl in that post. Truth be told, I'm not that sorted in my life.  No one really is.
After reading it and wondering what was I smoking when I wrote it, I realised I was perfectly sane when I wrote it. Those thoughts are mine and I completely believe in them. Just that, I forget to follow it too often. See, that's what monotony does to you. It makes you drift away from what is important, what matters for you to stay happy.

My life has all been about being true to myself every day. It's one thing that I tell myself the moment I get up in the morning. I try to stay true to myself, do and speak what my conscience allows. The rest of the daily tasks automatically keep falling in place without me getting into any trouble. I have lost most of my friends in the last one year and haven't been very lucky in making new friends either. In office, I'm surrounded by people who are far older than me. These people discuss their daily affairs with me while I lend them a patient ear. Some speak about a pending divorce, then others can't stop gushing about their upcoming marriage and honeymoon plans. Some are contemplating over settling abroad then other are worried sick about their children's upcoming board exams.
Some consider having a baby while others think of retirement. Nobody really bitches about a PYT's current flame or the next night-out. It's a different world altogether where they give me a peek-a-boo of what kind of life lies ahead.
It's scary at times. And I've learnt it the hard way that I can no longer afford to be my usual, chirpy self here in office. These people are far beyond the phase of life that I'm currently in, thus, all my issues seem trivial to them. Which is okay. It just helps me to figure out that there are things which are more important than what troubles me right now.

It helps me to differentiate between my professional self  (where I try to focus on the more sincere and reliable part of my personality) and my usual, normal self (where I'm a complete brat for my friends and family). No, I won't stop being a brat. I won't stop saying what I really feel to my friends and family. I simply won't mature beyond my years and pretend to be some wise hoe all the time. It's just too much of unnecessary work. I do act wise when there is a need to be and I guess that's more than enough. Enough of defensiveness here....so I'll rest my case. Till next time. :)

Never underestimate your problems or your ability to deal with them ~ Robert H. Schuller