But its okay......

It was almost six years back. I was partly nervous and partly agitated ( at my mom). She had arranged math classes for me at some neighbouring coaching centre. It was the time of my tenth class boards.
Coaching centre!!! I mean, WTF. anything was acceptable to me at that time but not trying to study maths with a group of other lousy students together.
She charged into the room and said "You are supposed to join this XYZ coaching centre from tomorrow. I've talked to the sir there. Now go and study"

I still remember my first day at that tution centre when I saw him for the first time. As usual, I was late. Even on the first day. (so typically me). He turned back to look at me (as did the rest of the class). Man, entering late into a class calls for so much of unsolicited attention. Nevermind, all I saw was him. sizing me up and then, his eyes darted back to his books. And I was Struck!!!

Big Time.
Yes, that was my first crush. I hated to admit it. I hated the way my stomach would churn upon seeing him. I hated to acknolwedge the fact that he was the most smartest guys around, and i was the typical bespectacled, perenially irritated, fat and not exactly attractive, girl around. I used to ignore him deliberately. I never wanted to let him know. Never wanted to stroke his male ego.

Everybody told me its just a phase. Its just my first crush. There are many more to come, I will grow out of this phase and blah blah blah
I still haven't been able to come out of that phase. I still havent been able to find myself a second crush. Nobody matches up to him.
My first crush is my boyfriend today. (obviously first one I've ever had, and I know I wouldnt have settled for any other guy apart from him).

He asks me not to take him too seriously. Not to give so much importance to him and enjoy life. Maybe I do not hold a lot of importance in his life. But its okay.
It took almost six years before I could have what I yearned for. But its okay. Because I know I have one of the best gifts I could ever receive. The gift is he, himself.

I dont know whether I will ever grow out of this phase or not. I've grown up to understand him, his ways, his moods. And still I'm always as dazed upon seeing him as I was six years back.

I hate to admit this but he ( or his constant absence) helped me to realise certain things about myself in all these years. They are:
  • I am a bit toooooooooooo sentimental.
  • Destiny had its own cruel plan of making me ( a staunch feminist) fall for someone so badly that I even forget my own existence in front of him. Let alone feminism. But for all other guys, i'm still the same. Feminist and strongly fierce. So, beware!!!!
  • No matter how hard I try, I cannot flirt with other guys.
  • I think a lot.
  • If my life was a novel, he would be one of the lead characters in my life. The worst part is I already know, I wouldnt figure out anywhere in his priority list in life.
But its okay.......

I think I take thing too personally

I was thinking the other day, as much as I try to have a sense of humour, I think I take things too personally. I tend to overreact. A lot. This usually ends up leaving me in not so pleasant situations. I've had incidents where I've stopped talking to people because of some stupid remark. Seriously, how could they NOT know their mean remarks were going to offend someone?

I've been bearing a lot of bullshit from a male friend in recent past. He loves to call me Dumbo. Anything which goes wrong, and pat the remark comes

"Oh, it was expected out of you. You're a dumb girl after all".

How chauvinistic!!!

I've been bearing all this, though my threshold to take bullshit is really low. Especially from guys.

And I've also had friends cross the line big time. Judging me and brandishing me publicly when they virtually don't know even an iota about me. Poking their snoopy nose into my personal matters, which have apparently got nothing to do with them. Even remotely. And then, trying to make me feel naked, guilty or plain wrong. There was an acquaintance who recently remarked, "Oh prianca, you can never adjust to struggle. You are too spoilt for luxury". Oh really? It seemed as if she had done an entire ph.d on my lifestyle. The irony is she was JUST a remote acquaintance. I'm sorry, that's just wrong. I may not say anything to them at that moment. But then, I'm also not saying anything to them now.
Why do people like crossing lines and testing our patience?

The most effective answer to an insult is silence ~ Author unknown

G Talk

There's something about girly talks that I simply don't like at all. I don't participate in them, or at least try not to. Come together a bunch of close female friends and one thing which is inevitable is GOSSIP.
What is it about talking baselessly about other people, with great interest? I have often found myself in simliar situations. I keep sitting there, listen to everyone and leave. My friends think I am either not interested in their animated conversations (which i am so not) or do not have anything interesting to contribute.
Either ways, it's not a very positive sign as far as my so-called repo in front of my friends is concerned.

So what did I do today? I found myself at the hotbed of one such malicious rumour about a friend, where I knew the whole truth already!!!
Believe me when I say that sitting there and trying to listen to those bits of baseless allegations and assumptions (gossip, i mean) was quite a task. I was tempted quite a number of times to ask my friends to stop and tell them the real scene (which is not so pleasant either). And probably that's why I didnt want to tell them the unpleasant facts. bleh. Not quite a thing that I should be proud of........

It's nothing major though. Because I know at the end of the day, our friend whose love life was being gossiped about, isn't a saint either. And doesnt care. neither for me,, nor for other friends or the gossips being circulated about her.

Even if you simply listen to gossip, you are participating in it..............

If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it. ~ Earl Wilson