Looking Back.....

We live in excess. We have just too many people around us, just too many things to do, just too many issues to tackle and just too many emotions that we feel. Just too many choices to make and too many moments in future wait for us to contemplate on the what-if's.

And amidst all these excesses, we don't really value anything or anyone till it's gone or is temporarily unavailable. Taking something for granted is always easier than acknowledging, right? 

I am 23 now and kill me for saying it, but I already miss all the good moments I had in my past, wondering if they ever will come back. Yeah, optimism has never been my strong point.
I remember living like crazy when the days were numbered, feeling obligated to rejoice all the good moments cause soon there would be none. Spending all that I had, living in the moment,  not being politically correct and being prone too. Prone to being hurt, be happy, be open to any kind of emotions basically.

I don't do that anymore. Don't get hurt too easily, don't get happy too easily.. 

I have absolutely no clue when and where did those people go from my life. Actually, I do. And it seemed like the most sane and logical thing to happen back then. Looking back, it seems letting them go was the most stupid decision I made. And don't tell me that people are replaceable or shit like, every one has a role to play in someone else's life and then they leave when their part is over.

You might find lots of more people (it's not hard to find more people to interact with), but you can never replace the ones who helped you form your most memorable moments.
Best part? Those very same people seem like completely different individuals now. Time, you are one big manipulative bitch and yet, your bitchiness commands absolute respect.


There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly taken-for granted relationships. ~Iris Murdoch

The Happy post

There are only two types of women this world...beautiful women and lazy women.  I read these lines in some fashion magazine a while ago.
I guess, I fall in the second category. However, that does not negate the fact that I have the highest regard of women my age, older and younger who take that extra effort to groom themselves.

I have never been the prim and proper girl. And I strongly doubt if I ever will be. For starters, my hair's always a mess and on most mornings, I just manage to put together an ensemble from the huge pile of clothes I keep shopping for.
My favorite pastime, ironically, is shopping for everything high-street and scouring fashion blogs. They kinda inspire me, motivate me to be a lil more presentable (however, that motivation vanishes the moment I close that tab)


My supposedly intellectual, feminist self refuses to be drowned in a farce-personality of too many accessories, make up and well-put clothes. Should that make me sad?

I don't think so. Because I know there are way too many other things which should matter and do matter to me than being just jaw-dropping-kinda presentable.

Also, I realized the trick to be happy. Happiness, the phenomenal feeling which needs to be risen from within yourself if you want to be truly happy. There's no point relying on something, someone, some experience or some state of mind to be happy. Because if the presence of that (person, product, experience) has the ability to make us happy in its presence, it also has the ability to make us feel terrible in its absence. On the other hand, the happiness that we feel on our own small successes, everyday learning and experiences cannot be substituted. And I can say this from personal experience. ;)

On a good note, I'm back to exercising regularly (nothing beats the thrill of going jogging on a chilly, winter morning) and reading.

P.S - The image here sums up all that I wanted to say. Take your cue, by happy! :) 


For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed.” ~ Audrey Hepburn

'Tis a season of confessions

I'm gonna write this post in a single stream of consciousness, i.e. I will not go back to edit any of the stuff that I write here now. So, please don't complain if the post ends up sounding incoherent or weird...You Were Warned!


I started this blog way back in 2008. Read through some of my older posts and I went like, "jeez, I can't believe I wrote that, how could I even think that?".

I have grown up since then. My school of thought has undergone severe metamorphosis while I finished college, did odd jobs, graduated, tried some more jobs, lost friends I thought I never would,  found new friends, been surrounded with people, been alone, experimented with things I shouldn't have, did stuff which I should have.....

Nevertheless, I wouldn't change a thing about those posts or the way I used to think about then.I wouldn't change a thing about my past, because it helped me reach the stage in life where I am today ( and may I dare say, its not a bad phase at all).

I have chronicled a lot of important events in this blog, purged and shared experiences here. However, there are still a few which I never admitted to. Not even to myself.

One of it is about how I feel for others,  especially guys. (Yeah, we are talking about my non-existent love life here).
When I was 16, I had a crush on this guy, who was, to put it simply, way out of my league. It felt great initially and then it spiraled into endless bouts of disappointment and depression. The knowledge that that guy would never feel the same about me as I did about him wasn't very great. My grades suffered, so did my self-confidence.
And I ended up shifting my entire focus to my career to get out of that miserable feeling. In the next few years, I managed to do a decent job on the education/professional front and hardened myself to the fancy-shmancy world of dating, coz seriously, I didn't want my confidence to take another beating.

When this year started, I made a simple resolution - to stay true to myself in whatever I do.

I've been in denial for quite some time now. But I shall chronicle it here (again) and accept the fact that I did get a new crush after so many years. The only difference is that I'm not in school anymore, and having crushes at workplace isn't the best thing that can happen to you. To start with, your productivity just goes for a toss and you keep feeling miserable all day long. I realized I haven't changed/improved much in this aspect. I get positively tongue-tied every time I see him, let alone saying a feeble "hi" to him. So, I end up acting like either a total jerk or probably give off the impression of being "some bitch with an attitude problem" to him.
Sigh!

I still keep this guy-who-shall-not-be-named on a very high pedestal, thinking he is never going to take even a second look at me. (okay, who am I really kidding here, this guy wouldn't even care that I exist on the face of this earth)

But this time, I shall give this guy the  basic respect he deserves to get, and not try to deride him just for the sake of convincing myself that he is not worth my time or shit like that). If anything, he made me realize that I'm still normal, not emotionally-hardened and can still actually have crushes. (I had a strong self-doubt on the last one ;)

Just that I'm wise enough not to make a fool of myself again by hoping against the hopes that he would ever notice me. Which is okay, really. I'm sure I'm lucky in some other department of life, say career or family or friends. ;)
I'm more glad I at least accepted it.


And you still don't have the right look, and you don't have the right friends,
Nothing changes but the faces, the names and the trends,
High school never ends ~ Carl Reiner