I know it

Have you ever felt like sitting back and watching your life go past you? In a rushing speed? No, it wont stop to take note of you. Life is so short to stop for anyone, you know. I feel like typing gibberish today. No, i wont blame it on the writer's block.

It's my wish. Alas.....
I'm confused. It's evident.

Life is simple. We know it. It's we who make it complex. You know how?
By interacting with other people. I remember reading it somewhere that out of all the living creatures, humans are the most difficult to deal with. No, I'm not trying to overstate or misintepret the facts. It's scientifically proved. Humans are the most difficult species to deal with. Because every indvidual is different. Unique in their own way. Then there are individual details, such as ego, temperaments, jealousy, competition, bonding et al.
Aint it surprising that we deal with so many humans (look around yourself, duh) and still we are the happiest only when we have their company?

Enough of my philosophical thoughts here.
I need to update my blogger friends here of a few recent happenings in my life. Here goes:
  • Post my last rant post, I headed to the hills. Sans family. I needed it after all. My first single trip was great. Like a backpacking, no budget, adventurous trip. Away from the humdrum of city. Returned last night. Will post pictures soon.
  • I finally got through Times School of Journalism in Delhi itself. I received the news in midst of my trip. Like I needed it.
  • I also cracked the job interview which pays awesomely well. Considering I'm just a graduate whose final results are not out yet. The deal is not too bad.
  • Now, I'm at crossroads again. Parents want me to take up the job. I want to pursue further studies. Trouble, I tell you.
Coming back to the topic of humans, I've realised certain things about myself while on the trip.
I realised
  • I try too hard to please everyone around me.
  • I try to be polite even when I don't want to/don't need to. This is going to stop, I tell you.
  • I have everything in my reach, I simply need to go out and demand what is mine.
  • I need to be more assertive.
  • I need to understand people without judging them. I need to discern who is right and who is not. Learn to look beyond the masks they wear.
There are also certain things which might not sound too pleasant to you readers, But I'm glad I have made these changes.
  • I do not hesitate now to call a spade a spade. Felt bad? Not my problem.
  • I'm considerate towards whom I need to or should be. Rest aren't even noticed by me.
  • I express my feelings instantly. Happiness, gratitude, joy, anger. All of them. F@#k those who fake their feelings.
  • I do not keep my feelings bottled up now. I vent my anger by smashing things, whatever comes in my way. My parents aren't too happy about this recent development though.
  • I've finally turned into a full blown rebel. I always was one. But it is only now that this facet of my personality has manifested itself so prominently.
I'm finally not complaining. I'm sitting back watching my life rush with all the humdrum. Awesome feeling, I tell you.

F for Failure

There is only one thing I was ever afraid of in my life. The thing was/is Failure.

How does it feel to know you haven't suceeded for an endeavor you tried so hard for?
I always used to wonder how does one face themselves again?

For the record, I've never failed in my life. Like till now. I was the girl who got straight A's in high school, managed to get through a decent college in the best university of the country and cracked job interviews like anything.

However, there is a first time for everything. For failure too.
Before writing this post, I was going through my last post where I was apprehensive about my post grad entrances.
As the previous post mentions, I had cleared three major colleges for journalism in India while the result for fourth one was awaited.
Thank you for all the supportive comments which my fellow bloggers left for me but I'm afraid I've let down all of them.

I left for Mumbai last Sunday for my Xaviers interview.
The interview was great, they said they liked my portfolio and all that jazz. People around me were confident that I would crack it.
I returned Delhi the very next day. Went online to check the result. My name wasn't there. I cross checked it thrice. It still wasn't there. As if mine checking the result again and again would make my name appear there.

I went down to tell my mum who was still unpacking. It would be an understatement to say that she was disappointed. I, on my part, was shattered. Went numb. I couldn't cry. Couldn't sleep. It was so suffocating.
Parents announced they had cancelled my tickets for chennai. Reason? Did you ask?
They claimed that I wasn't worthy enough to go all the way to Chennai, for another interview only to fail again. Wow!

Btw, that Chennai interview was supposed to be today. And I was sitting here in Delhi, sulking.

I was rejected in Mumbai interview.
Managed to miss out on Chennai interview simply coz my parents thought it made no sense to bear more travelling expenses on a failure child like me.
Delhi result is still awaited.

I saw my mother telling everyone that I was not going to Mumbai coz I didn't like the place. She chose not to tell others that her daughter was not selected. I felt so insulted. I screamed back at her why did she lie? Why didn't she tell others that I was rejected? I felt so stupid. She was embarassed to admit my rejection.

It was not until I met my best friend that the final catharsis came around. I broke down in front of her. Badly. Had kept myself locked in a room since the time my result was announced. She told me just one thing. That I was feeling so bad for failing in an interview simply because I had never faced failure before. She was right.

I pondered on what all I had lost. Sure, I've missed a year. And my chance to become a good journalist. At least for another one year.
But the good thing is that age is on my side. I'm only 20. So, its ok.

Insults have become a part of life now.
Almost everyday I'm rebuked by my mother for failing. I'm compared to my successful MBA topper, MNC-working elder sister and how I'm utterly worthless in front of her. She forgets that my sister spend a whopping amount on her MBA. They forget that I'd cleared my entrance exams too for MBA, but had only changed my career option coz I was literally presuurised not to force them again to shell out copious amount of money on my MBA.

I forced myself to face my failure.
Why do we all love to brag about our success and achievments but recoil upon failures.
I did not feel like writing a post on this subject. But then If I would have written a post on any other topic apart from this right now, I would be lying to myself. How can I question my mother for lying about my result if I, myself, can't admit my failure?

I've decided just one thing in my life now i.e. NOT TO PLAN FOR ANYTHING. QUE SERA SERA.

I've run after enough entrances and jobs. I'm in no mood to join back a job soon, though I know I eventually will have to.
I've turned shameless.
I just keep sitting at home. Try to enjoy my holidays just like rest of my college mates have been doing since April.

I'll give my exams again next year. With probably more work experience and wisdom at hand.

Failure is the oppurtunity to begin again more intelligently. ~ Moshe Arens

When you get everything that you want....

If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want. ~Oscar Wilde

I have always believed in the above mentioned saying whenever I'm unable to get something I really wanted. But life is funny. It throws unexpected questions at you. Questions, whose answers cannot be sought in the intellectual, age old quotations. These are the questions which make you think "Bhagwaan, Oscar Wilde iss situation pe quote karna kyun bhool gaya??" (Oh god, how did this situation escaped unquoted in Oscar Wilde's times?) :p

I had always been an above average student all my life.
Above average? Yes.
Smart? Yes
Frigging intelligent? NO.

There were times when I used to see students appearing in newspapers, topping CBSE, cracking IIT, IIM's and what not. I was happy being an ordinary girl who never scored too high or did exceptionally well to feature in such newspaper ads. I was contended simply by reading these articles and marvelling at their intellect. (yeah, go ahead, call me complacent, like i care)

College ended. Most of the students in my class entered d Rat race (MBA yaar). I was still contended doing nothing while they appeared for CAT, SNAP, XAT.......

Some of them decided to do MA. I was still happy not being in the centre of attention. (not doing anything, you see ;)

And then, I surprised myself. I don't know what struck me. I decided that I want to be a journalist since writing is what I like. I filled up forms only for some of the top colleges in India for a masters in Mass Communication. I knew it right from the start that I'm not going to make it becuase:
  • the competition in these colleges is extremely tough
  • I'm out of the loop when it comes to GK (a must have to crack them).
  • I've never really been those kurta-wearing, intellectual journo types.
I simply gave them with a dance pe chance maarle kinda feel, which also means I never tried to prepare for them. If I get through, fair enough. If I don't, i'll continue working.

And I seriously think that god visited my blog and read my rants in some of my previous posts like here.
I'm an atheist btw. But this sudden change of events has forced me to believe in the "maaya" of god. I only appeared for entrance test for four top colleges in India. Out of the four, I have qualified for three. The result for the fourth one is awaited.

I was happy when I was selected for St. Xaviers, Mumbai
I was contended when I cleared TCJ.
But when I actually managed to make it through ACJ, I shocked myself. Now, ACJ is one of the top most colleges whose entrance test asks you questions like
  • Who is the prime minister of Zimbabwe?
  • Which recession hit European nation elected a female as their new prime minister overnight? Name the country and its new Prime minister.
  • Why was Gaza Strip in news in February 2008?
mind you, these were the questions I actually faced. If anyone of you reading this blog knows their answers, I salute you becuase I obviously didn't. I left 70% of my paper blank and walked out of the examination hall in 30 minutes flat for a 3 hour exam. :p

And dude, I still got selected!!!.
They say they liked my English section in entrance exam. **pats herself on the back**

I know I should be happy but the catch is I have my interviews lined up.
On 9th June- 11th june, I'm supposed to be in Mumbai for Xaviers interview.
On 12th -14th june, I'm supposed to be in Chennai. Ironically, I need to be in Delhi on the same days as well for Times interview. Now, how will i commute from Delhi--Mumbai-Chennai/Delhi all in one go?

Moreover, I've still not been able to get tickets for Mumbai -Chennai. Summer hols rush, they say. Ab tickets ki wajah se interview miss kar dun?

Do I need to say I'm shit confused, frustrated, aghast?
How will I make it?
Moreover, My boss refuses to give me a leave from the office....damn.

I really wanted to get into these colleges. But now that I'm so close to it, I think Oscar Wilde was wrong.
If we dont get everything that we want, Life is a lot easy.