I'm going to sleep with him again tonight.....

I don't know how to put it.....But i think being lonely is not fun anymore. I used to tell myself that I am my best friend, I should love myself, bla bla bla. The sad part is that I've been really lonely in the past few days. So much so, that it has begun to scare me.
Every evening when I walk back home, when I'm travelling alone, when I'm working, in class ...everywhere...I can sense it creeping up behind me. It does not say anything. It just sits besides me, smirking at me. It seems to say..."Hey babes, I'm back! did you miss me all this time?"

I hardly talk to anyone in class or at my workplace and that is not helping at all. In fact, I know it makes me feel all the more lonelier. It's as if this wretched feeling of loneliness hugged me once and then, forgot to move away.

Just yesterday, I was talking to a really sweet, fellow mate of mine (which is rare..both mine talking and my classmates being sweet to me) and we discussed what after studies? Further studies or job? It was out of chance that I told her that I'm working with a youth mag, writing content for online portals, managing content writers, attending college and attending various meetings which my work demands....I don't know why she was dumbstruck. She gaped at me and said "Look at you, you are only 21, you need to slow down" ........

Truth be told, I actually feel burdened all the time. Even in my sleep. But then this is the lifestyle I chose for myself. I like writing. So I take up any writing job which does not ask me to interact with people. Writing is a solitary profession after all. I've realized I have a very, very low tolerance for stupidity and girly behavior (no offence). No, to put it in better words, I avoid talking to people, who I know do not matter.

I know this is not the best thing to do. But the fact is I already have too much work and indulging in unnecessary bitching sessions, gossiping or talking about lame things just doesn't excite me anymore. Although I do take time out to have fun, very regularly.

I've been working overtime, compromising on my sleep and my reading hours just so that I can squeeze in some time to meet people I really wanted to meet in a long time..like my best friend, S, my college and school friends...
The sad part is ( its been a trend, mind you)...I work overtime to get free early...i take out time..get all dressed and excited about not having to work for a day..and then my friends don't show up! And its not as if they are too busy..they just cancel the plan at the last moment or they keep sleeping (Really, I'm not lying) while I keep waiting for them.

Having worked, being stressed of managing time, dressing up, getting excited...only to be left dejected again is not the best feeling in the world. It sucks actually. But I've stopped complaining to these people now. Because they're all that I've got. Today too, something similar happened and I'm not feeling too good about it. I tried to smile about it, I ended up crying in the loo.

It's night time again. I'm going back to my bed..will do the remaining work tomorrow because my weekend plans have been foiled too...So I've nothing to do but work this weekend.
I can see loneliness coming up again. It's climbing on my bed,...with shoes on. Its grinning at me. It goes and comfortably gets settled under my quilt. I know he is going to make me sleep with him again tonight. I just know.

What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you ~ Richard Wilbur

Dilli Toh Paagal Hai!

I dare not to write...not because of lack of things to say, but because I'm afraid I would feel guilty for anything that I publish. All the things I've wanted to write on but somehow thought they weren't important enough....

What is important enough to write?
Is your nagging professor/boss worthy enough to be written about on your personal space? Don't we already have enough of them in our workplaces already?

Is treating this blog as an online journal important?

Or is writing enough to garner more followers and comments important? Everything is bloody subjective. To each, his own.

Writer's block. That word played on me till the time I started playing with it. What is writer's block? Blocking your mind from letting creative thoughts pour in. That's it.

I write to relieve myself of all the emotional and mental blocks. It's therapeutic for me. I'll discuss a very minuscule thought here, something which has been forcing me to alter my "oh, i'm so liberal minded, urban city girl" thinking, of late.

I'm in Delhi. I have lived here all my life. I know this place like the back of my hand. Yes, I've visited other cities too, but none appealed to me like Delhi does. I study in a class where hardly ten students belong to Delhi. The rest of them are outstation students. They came from smaller towns to study here in hope of better opportunities. Fair enough.

What disturbs me though is the attitude of these fellow people...They call us "dilliwaale toh hote hi aise hain". Acha? Please tell us too? how are we really? THey say, "Yeh DU ka attitude yahaan nahi chalega"....What is this DU ka attitude? I'm sorry, But yes, I do come from one of the best univ of India. If you've got a problem with it, go suck komado dragon balls, but don't you dare discriminate against us in our very own city.

Just a thought please, just because you are from some other city, working to get a job, aren't Delhi students doing the same? Not all of them are Tata's and birla's here. They too are working equally hard.

Just in case, any of you is thinking that I'm going to start a Shiv Sena for Delhi as soon as I finish writing this post...NO, I'M SO NOT!!!
One Thackrey is more than enough.
I've always been at my jovial best with most of people around me. Or at least, i've tried to. I used to think that this stupid, stupid regionalism only exists in the mind of narrow minded old men. Surprise, surprise..it obscenely has made its way everywhere.

I recall when this fellow classmate of mine said, in a mocking tone on my face - "I'm glad sir does not like this Delhi kids. They already have too many privileges that they take everything for granted. I so hate Delhi"

I was standing there...shocked..obviously they knew I'm from Delhi and I cant recall any such "privileges" that I have. It's an altogether different fact that this fellow classmate too, had been residing in Delhi since few years now. I asked , "Why don't you go back to your hometown then"?

"Arrey, wahaan itna infrastructure nahi hai.No job opportunities, nothing. People are really narrow minded, Delhi main rehne ke baad hometown nahi reh sakte"

To any of you who is reading this post, I ask you, Are people living in Bangalore, Delhi, Mumbai and Kolkata any different from people from other towns? Just because we were born in a metropolitan city, does not give you the right to insult us and call us bloody dilliwaala. If you really like your hometown so much, then go back. Create enough job opportunities there. Use your talent there. And then smirk at me all that you want. I would gladly accept it. Go make it another IT hub like Bangalore or fast paced like Mumbai. At least, another city would get developed in this country.

But I know nothing like that is going to happen anytime soon. Regionalism will stay in the mind of people. Just because they've had a few bad experience in a new city does not entitle them to brand entire metro city as "BAD".
And, FYI, we, cosmopolitans know the value of hard work. Because life isn't a bed roses for anyone. And yes, we know how to be hospitable.....Balance fun and work and all.....But at the end of the day...we will still be "Yeh dilliwaale toh hote hi aise hain".

P.S - In no sense is this post intended to make fun of people from other towns. The idea behind this post is not to appreciate metro cities, but to highlight regionalism as a problem.

Just because everything is different, doesn't mean that anything has changed ~ Irene Peter

Looking back....

I slept last night with an empty soul.....

And woke up this morning with an even emptier soul. Yes, I offically hate weekdays where I know I'm not going to anything productive. Thoughts delude me. And the place where I am right now is not exactly the place where I want to be/should be. This is my classroom, where I have learnt virtually nothing. Oh yes, I forgot, I have had lessons in pessisism and wasting talent on trivial issues here.
There are things which are far more exciting and satisfying than finishing an assignment on make -sentences in your post graduation. I often wonder, what was that ass of a professor smoking when he gave us an assignment on make sentences and other frivolous topics. No, seriously, somebody tell me this is a bad, bad dream.

I compare my current situation to the weekend which just went by:
  • I had my very first Lindt Dark Chocolate in Chilli Flavour, spent an entire day with Dad.
  • Before having my very first chilli chocolate, I had woken up from my deep sleep from the previous night.

  • Before going to sleep for the day, I had my first major accident. Luckily, we managed to escape unhurt.

  • Before having my first brush with a major accident, I was roaming with my bestest girlfriends in CP, late till night. I realised photosessions with girl friends are fun, and so is flirting with random, cute guys and chocolate truffle pastries taste best when shared.

  • Before spending time with my friends, I was with my best pal, sitting in comfortable silence, savouring chinese food.

  • Before having Chinese food, I was wandering aimlessly around Delhi, soaking in the beauty of a cold but snug winter afternoon in my City.

  • Before going out to roam in Delhi, I was working on assignments, articles, friend's work and what not.

  • And so, my life keeps on going backwards becuase it's more interesting to me that way rather than looking forward to the whole week ahead, major part of what will be wasted in this stupid classroom where I regret to say, but haven't managed to learn anything.

P.S. - Oh, btw, I saw this really beautiful vodka bottle in the supermart yesterday in wine section. The vodka was pink in colour and beared the slogan, "The world's most beautiful vodka". (Yup, such a category does exists). Guess what was the name of this imported spirit? It was PINKY. yayyy. .............(another reason for me to love my fav poison and my kiddish nickname). ;))

Smile, for tomorrow will be worse. ~ Author Anonymous

How many clones do you have of yourself?

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. I can safely say I was not the pessimist this year.

Gotta admit, The year which just went by was one of the most eventful and learning periods of my life. I traveled a lot (and I loved it). I went to Goa, Mumbai, almost to Chennai, Bangalore, Shimla, Chandigarh, Bhopal and obviously roamed around in Delhi like a wanderer left loose.
Considering that I love travelling, this was one of the best periods of life. The best part is that when 2009 arrived, I had no clue that I'm going to travel so much. I didn't had the faintest idea that this year is akin to sitting in a class which imparted me the best learning experience in a subject called "Life".

If only you had known me when I was still out of school, fresh into my graduation. I was so sure about everything, about how anything I did was going to come out perfect and absolutely nothing could go wrong. The truth is that most of the things I did, never really turned out the way I wanted them to be. But the grass is always greener on the other side, right?

This year, I learned a lot. I changed a lot. I look back at the time when I would desperately try to fit among a group of nasty girls in grad college, only to be made fun of. I look back at the time when not reaching home by 6pm in the evening would scare the shit out of me. When having a good time with true friends was never experienced in my life. When even after all the slogging, my grades remained average and S never came into my life.
And then came 2009.

  • I traveled extensively. Realized I love visiting new places. It opened up my mind and heart to new people and places.
  • I learned to say "no".
  • I finally got over my inferiority complex. S made me realize what I am and why I should start giving respect to myself.
  • I realized I stay happier when I'm away from humans - the most complex lot. I'm happy when I shut out people with negative vibes, even if it means being rude.
  • I learned the trick to deal with people. I genuinely care for them and listen to them if I like them. No questions asked. And they become my friends. Simple.
  • Started investing more in relationships than my wardrobe. It paid off.
  • I had my first night out (and many more) with friends, finally learnt to let my hair down for a while, partied like crazy, had my share of embarrassing moments when sloshed, took major risks. I do not regret any of these. I'm glad I finally lived my age and did all of it.
  • I just hope that I remain the same/improve in the coming year and keep following the mantra of work hard/party harder. **wink wink**
It's like I have too many clones of myself now. And every time I look back, I can see all of them smiling at me for finally I'm happy with myself.

A clone of mine which was in high school - overweight, greasy hair, pimples, yearning for S and struggling with accounts and maths.

A clone of mine which was in college - slightly improved, motivated, hard working, happy-go-lucky, still struggling with skin and heart issues

A clone of mine which was in office - drowned in inferiority complex, fed up of bitching, worrying over her weight issues, crying badly for S.

A person that I'm today - Happily lost in herself, confident, carefree and working hard (only when required).

I know there are many more changes to come in my life in every two-three years and many more clones to follow. I'm just hoping they are better versions than the current one. One might wonder why the hell am I remembering my past right now? Everybody goes through these changes, ain't it?

Actually, I'm not remembering. I'm thanking my stars that I went through all those phases. I'm thanking my past versions (geez, I almost sound like a video game with too many versions :p). My clones remind me of what I don't want to be like anymore. This is what they whisper to me:

Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would, I'd never leave. ~A.A. Milne

So much for resolute resolutions and more....

First of all, I'd like to wish all the lovely people whose blogs I read or who have stumbled on this page, A very Happy new year.

Phew, a new year has dawned in and so much has changed. Bhopal Trip was over. Long Ago. Good learning experience. Ok, enough of that place.

I really don't know how many people make resolutions. I don't. I really don't understand why do people have to wait till 1 January to incorporate some good changes in their life. Why can't you get on that treadmill today if you want to? Or why would you wait to switch your job till some specific date (1 jan, that is) if you can do it now?

You know you need to/want to make some changes in your lifestyle. Then, do it. But please don't procrastinate it, saying that you're waiting for new year. After all, how many of us really stick to our resolutions? It's better not to make them at all rather than breaking them later, only to feel discouraged.

New Year's Day...now is the accepted time to make your regular, annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual ~ Mark Twain