"There is something about the way you smile. You seem to be so mysterious and yet unassuming"
"Yes. It's alarming. More so, after I learnt that you are from Delhi. People there are usually quite selfish. Something tells me you are not"
**laughs** "Oh, I am. Quite selfish, I am. I am just very good at pretending"
I have had couple of such conversations recently. I happened to shift cities.
Finally, got out of my comfort zone. Had to. Was about time. I have met a lot of new people since I wrote the last post. Most of these new people keep telling me stuff about me that I never realized. Or bothered about.
Not so surprisingly then, I have managed to learn a lot more about myself in this new city than I've managed to learn about this new place, new job, and new people that I keep bumping into everyday.
Of all the lessons that I've learned, one stands out for me. That lesson is that there is nothing more humbling in life than failure.
I have faced my fair share of failures in the year that just went by. Personally. Professionally. Emotionally. All of them keep pricking me in moments of solitude, constantly reminding me of what still needs to be achieved, corrected, and improved upon.
I smile now. Unassumingly at times. It's a ploy to hide all the disappointments. All the failures and regrets that I seemed to have left behind.
On other occasions, that sense of defeat rises up to the surface to smother me and make me realize that I am lagging behind.No matter how hard I try then, I fail to smile along with the world. I try to fake it, but it ends up being too evident. Until I make peace with that sense of defeat (temporarily). It refuses to leave my consciousness until I humbly accept it.
These failures ensured that I was down to my knees, humbly accepting the limitations, the flaws, and realizing the gap which needs to be bridged from where I am to where I thought I wanted to be.
Everyday is a struggle now. Not to give in to procrastination. Not to lose sight of my dreams. Not to get absorbed in the mundane-ness of ordinary life. To stay motivated. Despite the setbacks. Despite the disappointments. Despite the uncertainty which I often find lingering in the corners of my mind.
I get up every morning telling myself I will be a better person today. I will tread a step closer to my dream. I will be happy today. I will be calmer. More organized. More equipped with knowledge and wisdom that I should have had by now. Everyday I smile. Everyday I try.
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
like a heavy load.
~ Langston Hughes