I'm gonna write this post in a single stream of consciousness, i.e. I will not go back to edit any of the stuff that I write here now. So, please don't complain if the post ends up sounding incoherent or weird...You Were Warned!
I started this blog way back in 2008. Read through some of my older posts and I went like, "jeez, I can't believe I wrote that, how could I even think that?".
I have grown up since then. My school of thought has undergone severe metamorphosis while I finished college, did odd jobs, graduated, tried some more jobs, lost friends I thought I never would, found new friends, been surrounded with people, been alone, experimented with things I shouldn't have, did stuff which I should have.....
Nevertheless, I wouldn't change a thing about those posts or the way I used to think about then.I wouldn't change a thing about my past, because it helped me reach the stage in life where I am today ( and may I dare say, its not a bad phase at all).
I have chronicled a lot of important events in this blog, purged and shared experiences here. However, there are still a few which I never admitted to. Not even to myself.
One of it is about how I feel for others, especially guys. (Yeah, we are talking about my non-existent love life here).
When I was 16, I had a crush on this guy, who was, to put it simply, way out of my league. It felt great initially and then it spiraled into endless bouts of disappointment and depression. The knowledge that that guy would never feel the same about me as I did about him wasn't very great. My grades suffered, so did my self-confidence.
And I ended up shifting my entire focus to my career to get out of that miserable feeling. In the next few years, I managed to do a decent job on the education/professional front and hardened myself to the fancy-shmancy world of dating, coz seriously, I didn't want my confidence to take another beating.
When this year started, I made a simple resolution - to stay true to myself in whatever I do.
I've been in denial for quite some time now. But I shall chronicle it here (again) and accept the fact that I did get a new crush after so many years. The only difference is that I'm not in school anymore, and having crushes at workplace isn't the best thing that can happen to you. To start with, your productivity just goes for a toss and you keep feeling miserable all day long. I realized I haven't changed/improved much in this aspect. I get positively tongue-tied every time I see him, let alone saying a feeble "hi" to him. So, I end up acting like either a total jerk or probably give off the impression of being "some bitch with an attitude problem" to him.
I still keep this guy-who-shall-not-be-named on a very high pedestal, thinking he is never going to take even a second look at me. (okay, who am I really kidding here, this guy wouldn't even care that I exist on the face of this earth)
But this time, I shall give this guy the basic respect he deserves to get, and not try to deride him just for the sake of convincing myself that he is not worth my time or shit like that). If anything, he made me realize that I'm still normal, not emotionally-hardened and can still actually have crushes. (I had a strong self-doubt on the last one ;)
Just that I'm wise enough not to make a fool of myself again by hoping against the hopes that he would ever notice me. Which is okay, really. I'm sure I'm lucky in some other department of life, say career or family or friends. ;)
I'm more glad I at least accepted it.
And you still don't have the right look, and you don't have the right friends,
Nothing changes but the faces, the names and the trends,
High school never ends ~ Carl Reiner