But its okay......

It was almost six years back. I was partly nervous and partly agitated ( at my mom). She had arranged math classes for me at some neighbouring coaching centre. It was the time of my tenth class boards.
Coaching centre!!! I mean, WTF. anything was acceptable to me at that time but not trying to study maths with a group of other lousy students together.
She charged into the room and said "You are supposed to join this XYZ coaching centre from tomorrow. I've talked to the sir there. Now go and study"

I still remember my first day at that tution centre when I saw him for the first time. As usual, I was late. Even on the first day. (so typically me). He turned back to look at me (as did the rest of the class). Man, entering late into a class calls for so much of unsolicited attention. Nevermind, all I saw was him. sizing me up and then, his eyes darted back to his books. And I was Struck!!!

Big Time.
Yes, that was my first crush. I hated to admit it. I hated the way my stomach would churn upon seeing him. I hated to acknolwedge the fact that he was the most smartest guys around, and i was the typical bespectacled, perenially irritated, fat and not exactly attractive, girl around. I used to ignore him deliberately. I never wanted to let him know. Never wanted to stroke his male ego.

Everybody told me its just a phase. Its just my first crush. There are many more to come, I will grow out of this phase and blah blah blah
I still haven't been able to come out of that phase. I still havent been able to find myself a second crush. Nobody matches up to him.
My first crush is my boyfriend today. (obviously first one I've ever had, and I know I wouldnt have settled for any other guy apart from him).

He asks me not to take him too seriously. Not to give so much importance to him and enjoy life. Maybe I do not hold a lot of importance in his life. But its okay.
It took almost six years before I could have what I yearned for. But its okay. Because I know I have one of the best gifts I could ever receive. The gift is he, himself.

I dont know whether I will ever grow out of this phase or not. I've grown up to understand him, his ways, his moods. And still I'm always as dazed upon seeing him as I was six years back.

I hate to admit this but he ( or his constant absence) helped me to realise certain things about myself in all these years. They are:
  • I am a bit toooooooooooo sentimental.
  • Destiny had its own cruel plan of making me ( a staunch feminist) fall for someone so badly that I even forget my own existence in front of him. Let alone feminism. But for all other guys, i'm still the same. Feminist and strongly fierce. So, beware!!!!
  • No matter how hard I try, I cannot flirt with other guys.
  • I think a lot.
  • If my life was a novel, he would be one of the lead characters in my life. The worst part is I already know, I wouldnt figure out anywhere in his priority list in life.
But its okay.......


kunal | January 28, 2009 at 9:31 AM

oh.. that was a heavy one.. really liked it word to word.

and about I I I . Is it U U U or is it just a story.
asking just out of curiosity.

U can choose to not answer as well :)

loved it bit to bit.

One more thing.
girls usually have a lot of crushes on their male teachers
even boys like their female teachers but the usual crushes are their girl classmates not their teachers..

Born Vagabond | January 28, 2009 at 3:21 PM

Gud yaa...Happy 4 u!
It always feels great to be in a relationship wit ur biggest crush...ain't it???

Rahul | January 28, 2009 at 7:56 PM

enjoy these feelings pal...these are to be treasured and cherished tears later :)

Prianca | January 28, 2009 at 8:32 PM

@ rahul
thank you pal. and i ain't as good a fiction writer as you are. this is my story. the real one.

@ born vagabond
haha, u bet!!!.
it does feel great, coz i havent experienced any other feeling, being with any other guy....u know wat i mean **wink**

@ rahul
thank you. i know ur words are true. and it will happen someday..tears and all. but its okay ;)

sam | January 28, 2009 at 11:38 PM

love u jaan!!! tats all i cn say.

Prachi | February 5, 2009 at 12:54 PM

Aah! there i see ... it's never gonna happen easily babes.. one day just one day and everything will be translucent like water... It takes hell lot to love someone...and that too selflessly- calls for guts! I wish Sam gets that whiff of your intensity soon lest he will regret his life to lose a gem that ordained herself for him...

God Bless You Little girl!
Love you!

Prianca | February 5, 2009 at 6:28 PM

@ prachi
thank you. i thought you had stopped visiting my blog...you are one of my most treasured readers...

and for wat u say.....AMEN...;)

Salil Dhawan | February 6, 2009 at 12:45 AM

There are very less people who are so true about how and what they feel about someone.
He is lucky guy to have someone like you in his life
Best Wishes


bharti | February 8, 2009 at 1:04 AM

A quote by Jane Austen which very ironically,i read jus today ,struck me as i was readin ur post,

"The enthusiasm of a woman's love is even beyond the biographer's."

considerin m quite a staunch feminist myself :),
it was still gr8 to go through ur write-up!! :)
cz i feel only those can understand the depth and intensity conveyed by ur words ,
Who've loved someone ..
Who've loved someone deeply..
Who're Women!! :) :)
another one as i end this,
" To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others. " :)
God bless u girlwith everythin u wish for,
with more than u deserve!! :)

Prianca | February 9, 2009 at 5:09 PM

@ bharti
I was both shocked and pleasantly surprised to find your comment here
how did u find d link?/
its true. i echo ur sentimients completely. thank you for visiting my blog. :)
i guess, its d first time i've bumped into a feminist who is not from lit background. nice change. ;)

Born Vagabond | February 9, 2009 at 5:54 PM

U have been awarded...pls visit my blog ! :)

Bharti | February 11, 2009 at 7:00 PM

information courtesy sam.com... ;D
AND, link coutesy ur facebook profile!!
It was quite an interestin journey going through ur blogs..:)!Could identify with so much...made me read 'em one after the other,
till i'd "consumed" every single one, all at one go!! ;) ;)
also, u hit the right/wrong button there,
i still regret my decision upon engg :(...given a choice,today,
it'l be lit. without a doubt!! :)

Rahul | February 19, 2009 at 4:02 PM

great to see speaking out ur heart :)

Swati | February 22, 2009 at 11:11 PM

but its okay....until u think its really okay!

Prianca | February 23, 2009 at 7:35 PM

@ swati
i know darls....its not ok anymore...the post was written long ago...things change..u dont...nd i love you for that!!!