F for Failure


There is only one thing I was ever afraid of in my life. The thing was/is Failure.

How does it feel to know you haven't suceeded for an endeavor you tried so hard for?
I always used to wonder how does one face themselves again?

For the record, I've never failed in my life. Like till now. I was the girl who got straight A's in high school, managed to get through a decent college in the best university of the country and cracked job interviews like anything.

However, there is a first time for everything. For failure too.
Before writing this post, I was going through my last post where I was apprehensive about my post grad entrances.
As the previous post mentions, I had cleared three major colleges for journalism in India while the result for fourth one was awaited.
Thank you for all the supportive comments which my fellow bloggers left for me but I'm afraid I've let down all of them.

I left for Mumbai last Sunday for my Xaviers interview.
The interview was great, they said they liked my portfolio and all that jazz. People around me were confident that I would crack it.
I returned Delhi the very next day. Went online to check the result. My name wasn't there. I cross checked it thrice. It still wasn't there. As if mine checking the result again and again would make my name appear there.

I went down to tell my mum who was still unpacking. It would be an understatement to say that she was disappointed. I, on my part, was shattered. Went numb. I couldn't cry. Couldn't sleep. It was so suffocating.
Parents announced they had cancelled my tickets for chennai. Reason? Did you ask?
They claimed that I wasn't worthy enough to go all the way to Chennai, for another interview only to fail again. Wow!

Btw, that Chennai interview was supposed to be today. And I was sitting here in Delhi, sulking.

I was rejected in Mumbai interview.
Managed to miss out on Chennai interview simply coz my parents thought it made no sense to bear more travelling expenses on a failure child like me.
Delhi result is still awaited.

I saw my mother telling everyone that I was not going to Mumbai coz I didn't like the place. She chose not to tell others that her daughter was not selected. I felt so insulted. I screamed back at her why did she lie? Why didn't she tell others that I was rejected? I felt so stupid. She was embarassed to admit my rejection.

It was not until I met my best friend that the final catharsis came around. I broke down in front of her. Badly. Had kept myself locked in a room since the time my result was announced. She told me just one thing. That I was feeling so bad for failing in an interview simply because I had never faced failure before. She was right.

I pondered on what all I had lost. Sure, I've missed a year. And my chance to become a good journalist. At least for another one year.
But the good thing is that age is on my side. I'm only 20. So, its ok.

Insults have become a part of life now.
Almost everyday I'm rebuked by my mother for failing. I'm compared to my successful MBA topper, MNC-working elder sister and how I'm utterly worthless in front of her. She forgets that my sister spend a whopping amount on her MBA. They forget that I'd cleared my entrance exams too for MBA, but had only changed my career option coz I was literally presuurised not to force them again to shell out copious amount of money on my MBA.

I forced myself to face my failure.
Why do we all love to brag about our success and achievments but recoil upon failures.
I did not feel like writing a post on this subject. But then If I would have written a post on any other topic apart from this right now, I would be lying to myself. How can I question my mother for lying about my result if I, myself, can't admit my failure?

I've decided just one thing in my life now i.e. NOT TO PLAN FOR ANYTHING. QUE SERA SERA.

I've run after enough entrances and jobs. I'm in no mood to join back a job soon, though I know I eventually will have to.
I've turned shameless.
I just keep sitting at home. Try to enjoy my holidays just like rest of my college mates have been doing since April.

I'll give my exams again next year. With probably more work experience and wisdom at hand.

Failure is the oppurtunity to begin again more intelligently. ~ Moshe Arens

15 comments:

peter | June 15, 2009 at 1:31 AM

The harder u hit the rock bottom the faster and better u bounce back.

Learn to fail,and learn from life because history,civics,geography won't teach u anythng that life would offer u at every damn juncture.I mentioned in ur last post's comment that I have topped and i have failed in my life, so both the phases have been equally important to me ...when i failed I did not cry and When i topped I did not feel proud or throw a party.

Parents sometime dun't understand the emotions,their intentions are never harmful but they do forget that our generation has some self-respect, which can't be doubted at all and Comparing siblings is the worst thing one can do, every child is indeed special (remember TZP?).

You are 20 u can turn the world upside down if u want to, in the upcoming years.

Best Of luck, Hope my preaching helped btw i refrain myself from hearing it from others, but i dun mind it showering it on u, coz today i am all charged up and u perhaps needed these words :P

an opinion | June 15, 2009 at 10:37 AM

I don't feel sorry for you. You are 20 and you would take the world by storm if you keep persevering. That being said, it won't be easy as the jibes always keep coming. Shit happens when it comes from close quarters.

When I didn't clear IIT entrance in my first attempt, there was a cavalcade of people who made it a point to enquire about my results over the phone( knowing well that I had not made it!), some even dropped by to offer false consolations( restraining their glee )... My mom did sob and some really enjoyed seeing her break down. I didn't let out a single drop. I knew that if I could treasure the quips and if I could manage to hear them reverberate in my ear canal for one more year, I would come out good. Criticism is the fuel for future accompalishment.

I would like you to understand the state of your parents. Nowadays people are all over you when your ward fails an examination. They have this consistent comparison going on in their minds between their sons/daughters and you. Society is ruthless and so you have to face them. In that case, I think your mom didn't come up with that not-joining-Mumbai-reluctance syndrome for a lame reason. That was just a gambit to save you from the jibes of others. As for the Chennai thingie, I think they might have erred but somehow I am never able to sniff a wrong intention behind any act of our parents. Probably they wanted you to assuage yourself so that this calamity( I daresay it isn't!) took a toll on your Chennai paraphernalia too.

You ahve had a wonderful track record. You have exhibited extraordinary sense by choosing to sideline lucrative but exorbitant career options. I am sure you would come up with yet another toss-of-hat- occasion. Sometime soon!

an opinion | June 15, 2009 at 10:52 AM

http://thevoicewithin-parivesh.blogspot.com/2008/11/on-losing-and-winning.html

Yor post reminded me of something. It's not a publicity stunt. Just a case of my memory being scratched. :p

closing eyes | June 15, 2009 at 12:23 PM

I am so saddened by this new development. No matter what I say, pain would take its time to sink in. It's not that bitter, if you see it from my perspective. Comeon! You are only 20 and you have had this spectrum of experiences-- great college, job, an MBA done-but very rightly kicked aside-- You are a go-getter. You exude it all the time.

I concur with Peter and Opinion. THey have pretty much said everything that I could have said.

Spare you mom some of your anguish, if you can. You know deep down why she has done all of this. As a matter of fact, no one can truely guage your talent-but You. Knuckle down, do the basics right. Help them instill an unshakeable, immutable faith in your capabilities. Silence everyone by your actions.

I wrote something -down at my place. Won't help you in anyway, but would tell you that you aren't alone here. Every one of us has to duck under such situations at some point in our lives.

Wishes.

Abhinav | June 15, 2009 at 10:01 PM

I am no one to comment on Failures.. I am happy that you did not bring luck factor in to failure that shows you still have that zeal and confidence to do better next time..


All the best!

sush | June 15, 2009 at 11:08 PM

Hiii there ,don't worry u will get through next time.Cheer up.As far as parents go, they don't mean any harm so don't be angry on them.I truly think as peter in his comment said that parents don't realize that children today have lot more self respect.

I think people who are doing C.A (Charted Accountancy)like me know more abt what ur saying ...we have peer pressure and pressure from our parents ,if u don't clear it in first attempt LOL ,even though u proved ur ability before ,every thing seems to be in the past and what seems to matter is what u do now ,Its reality of life I guess can't do anything abt it except giving our best and leaving the rest.

Don't worry, like u said there's first time for everything. Don't take it too much to ur heart and plan well for the next year.

Cheers.

Prachi Joshi | June 16, 2009 at 5:09 PM

Ok, so you didn't get shortlisted! fine! what's the big deal about baby... Life is like that, Just keep one thing in mind- everything happens for good! May be there is something else better than these institutes in store for you. you never now there may be some great calling for you.. just waiting for right time.
You haven't yet failed girl, you have just come a step closer to great success. The say na... how you see a failure is entirely a function of your attitude so do not get discouraged rather take it as a learning opportunity.
You have long way to go. Most of the people in history who achieved great heights and popularity are the ones who had ben criticized bitterly but they persevered.

I'll try 2 be truthful | June 16, 2009 at 5:20 PM

i may not have any words of solace for you but was writhing in the injustice of it all.

not getting through an interview is not being a failure.

there are thousands of students in India who study for an inhumanly 12 hrs a day and yet do not get into IIT's. some move on finding areas which truly beckon them and some just cant forget.

It would be wrong to say something about somebody else's parents in such a situation. but I used to get pissed off too when my grand ma used to tell all " yaaa she got in all the engg. colleges but she didn't like them so she went here" nad have been cutting her off and telling it like it is "no aunty i didnt cut the rank" once you accept the past its easier to move into the future.

-get well soon.

I'll try 2 be truthful | June 16, 2009 at 5:22 PM

and my parents were pretty happy just with the fact that their daughter is pursuing her engg. from a good college.

maybe you should talk it out .

-sorry for being such a nonsense advice giver.

PLP | June 16, 2009 at 6:45 PM

Prianca, it's very brave of you to face this and believe me when I say that it has taught you a valuable lesson and has made you a better person, you will soon realise it: failure, the experience of it is essential to obtaining success.

I have failed. Again and again, and it hit me hard. My mother lied to. When couldn't get the scholarship to Oxford, she lied too. Although why lie when there is nothing wrong with admitting it? It must be tough to be constantly compared to your sister. Bid your time, strike again. You are very obviously a smart girl, undoubtedly, and you are young - you have all the time in the world to strike again and do better.

Just take everything slow and steady. Patience and perseverance is key. And get better. Buck up! You will ok, alright? Love you!

AP | June 24, 2009 at 9:38 AM

Without sounding cheeky or cheesy or anything like that, have you listened to "Roses of Success" song from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Wonderful thing on failure...

And without sounding preachy, it doesn't really matter, does it? In the short term it does, but life is too unpredictable and too full of surprises to matter very much in the long term.

(I'm afraid this sort of response is completely predicatble...)

Prianca | June 27, 2009 at 12:06 AM

@ peter
you are a bunch of help and sane advice when one needs it the most. thanks buddy. :)

@ an opinion
thanks for dropping by and your very honest comments.
honest comments is what i appreciate the most. you did just that. showed me the mirror. in a good way. :)

Prianca | June 27, 2009 at 12:08 AM

@ closing eyes
Thanks sir. sparing my mom some of my anguish is not an option. not in my case at least.
wont delve into the details. too personal.
thanks anyways

Prianca | June 27, 2009 at 12:11 AM

@ abhinav
thanks
btw, where is your next post? we're waiting.

@ sush
gosh, CA did you say?"
man!!! too much of struggle and hard work.
wow.
thanks for your uplifting words sush.

@ prachi
thanks dear

@ I'll try to be truthful
firstly you are not a nonsense advice giver. in fact, it's quite a well thought, well meaaured piece of sane advice. thanks for letting me understand that there are bigger failures that people face and major problems in life than these. thanks dear.

Prianca | June 27, 2009 at 12:14 AM

@ PLP
thanks dear for all your support and love. couldn't have been more grateful to you. you are like an invisiable blogger friend who is olways there to stand by me.

@ AP
THanks abhinav. will listen to the song. havent listened to it before. thanks for dropping by too. :)