F for Failure

There is only one thing I was ever afraid of in my life. The thing was/is Failure.

How does it feel to know you haven't suceeded for an endeavor you tried so hard for?
I always used to wonder how does one face themselves again?

For the record, I've never failed in my life. Like till now. I was the girl who got straight A's in high school, managed to get through a decent college in the best university of the country and cracked job interviews like anything.

However, there is a first time for everything. For failure too.
Before writing this post, I was going through my last post where I was apprehensive about my post grad entrances.
As the previous post mentions, I had cleared three major colleges for journalism in India while the result for fourth one was awaited.
Thank you for all the supportive comments which my fellow bloggers left for me but I'm afraid I've let down all of them.

I left for Mumbai last Sunday for my Xaviers interview.
The interview was great, they said they liked my portfolio and all that jazz. People around me were confident that I would crack it.
I returned Delhi the very next day. Went online to check the result. My name wasn't there. I cross checked it thrice. It still wasn't there. As if mine checking the result again and again would make my name appear there.

I went down to tell my mum who was still unpacking. It would be an understatement to say that she was disappointed. I, on my part, was shattered. Went numb. I couldn't cry. Couldn't sleep. It was so suffocating.
Parents announced they had cancelled my tickets for chennai. Reason? Did you ask?
They claimed that I wasn't worthy enough to go all the way to Chennai, for another interview only to fail again. Wow!

Btw, that Chennai interview was supposed to be today. And I was sitting here in Delhi, sulking.

I was rejected in Mumbai interview.
Managed to miss out on Chennai interview simply coz my parents thought it made no sense to bear more travelling expenses on a failure child like me.
Delhi result is still awaited.

I saw my mother telling everyone that I was not going to Mumbai coz I didn't like the place. She chose not to tell others that her daughter was not selected. I felt so insulted. I screamed back at her why did she lie? Why didn't she tell others that I was rejected? I felt so stupid. She was embarassed to admit my rejection.

It was not until I met my best friend that the final catharsis came around. I broke down in front of her. Badly. Had kept myself locked in a room since the time my result was announced. She told me just one thing. That I was feeling so bad for failing in an interview simply because I had never faced failure before. She was right.

I pondered on what all I had lost. Sure, I've missed a year. And my chance to become a good journalist. At least for another one year.
But the good thing is that age is on my side. I'm only 20. So, its ok.

Insults have become a part of life now.
Almost everyday I'm rebuked by my mother for failing. I'm compared to my successful MBA topper, MNC-working elder sister and how I'm utterly worthless in front of her. She forgets that my sister spend a whopping amount on her MBA. They forget that I'd cleared my entrance exams too for MBA, but had only changed my career option coz I was literally presuurised not to force them again to shell out copious amount of money on my MBA.

I forced myself to face my failure.
Why do we all love to brag about our success and achievments but recoil upon failures.
I did not feel like writing a post on this subject. But then If I would have written a post on any other topic apart from this right now, I would be lying to myself. How can I question my mother for lying about my result if I, myself, can't admit my failure?

I've decided just one thing in my life now i.e. NOT TO PLAN FOR ANYTHING. QUE SERA SERA.

I've run after enough entrances and jobs. I'm in no mood to join back a job soon, though I know I eventually will have to.
I've turned shameless.
I just keep sitting at home. Try to enjoy my holidays just like rest of my college mates have been doing since April.

I'll give my exams again next year. With probably more work experience and wisdom at hand.

Failure is the oppurtunity to begin again more intelligently. ~ Moshe Arens