It's back in my life .....

I know I have blogged about it here before. But seriously, loneliness is a dangerous situation to be in. An extended siesta with this feeling can leave you feeling robbed of all the positiveness and happiness inside and around you.  I admit, I'm a chronic victim to loneliness. I've been lonely. A lot. I still am.


Let's just say I live in one of the most populated cities in the world. I am surrounded by a lot of people at work and at parties which I have to attend. And yet, I'm lonely. So lonely that I tend to break down while working, while walking on the road. It's this awful feeling where you realize everybody around you is there only because they want something from you. What about friends, you say?
Friends eventually found other friends, I say. People whom my friends found out to be more fun-loving and more available than I ever could be. Yes, I feel bad that my friends forgot me when I didn't ever gave them a chance to ignore me. But it's alright. They don't care much. I used to keep everything on hold for them, postpone my meetings and work just to spend enough time with them. And they didn't care enough. 


Life is funny. When I was younger, say in college, I always wanted to be at all the happening places with all my friends. They did used to go out but never invited me along. Now, I'm there at all the page 3 parties and major gigs in town, attending the most premier events. Just that I have nobody to hang out with there. It's only I and my work. I go for shopping alone, eat at restaurants alone and have even watched movie shows all alone now. Simply because nobody was interested in accompanying me. 

I try not to feel sorry about myself but then if anybody else would be in my position, I obviously would feel bad for them. Then whom am I fooling? 

There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy ~ Dante

And they call me WEIRD!

"How weird are you?"

I fail to understand why most of the people keep bombarding me with this same question. Eccentric, Yes, I could be. Weird? Definitely not! On the hindsight, I find most of the people equally weird around me. So, I tend to mentally forgive them if they fail to understand me. I'm not any better at understanding fellow human beings.

My life is slowly becoming a walking contradiction. A life where I swtich personalities depending upon my geological location. When I'm working as a Page 3 journalist, I get to meet some of the most high-profile celebrities and socialites. I get special entries and reserved seats at big do's where I address social big-wigs not as Sir or Mam but with their first name, chatting up with them as if I was one of them. Of course, all this is but a farce. I've realised how fake smiles are, how pretentious personalities can be. They talk to me only so that I might give them some good press. Once you are out of the event, you are the normal, middle-class girl again who is struggling to make a mark in her career.

I'm at a loss when at home, usually because I'm too tired when I return. I don't give crap and don't take any from my siblings who are way too busy in their lives. Mostly, home is just a pit-stop before I embark for work again.

And then, comes my favourite part. Despite having saved enough to own a sedan now, I'm still travelling by metro. Because this is where I meet most interesting people. People who are far more interesting than those socialities whom I interview. At the risk of being called a pervert (realises her "about me" already mentions that, anyhow who cares), I've started peeping into other's lives, while travelling in the metro.

It all happened by chance. A girl sitting next to me, dressed as a complete wannabe (the kinds you can easily find in a metro) was busy texting on her phone. I tried to overlook but it isn't exactly my fault if the text size on her screen was too big. I happened to read her msgs, which went like:

Girl - Nahi, pehle aap apna naam batao

Sender- Mera naam toh Raj (how fake!) hai.

Girl - Acha, naam chodo, aapko  mera no. kahan se mila? Aapne kabhi dekha hai mujhe?

Sender - Haan, aapke college ke bahar.

My keen observation skills told me that she was going to give her correspondence exams. The book in her lap said "King's Champion, Open"

Wow! The girl was supposedly texting a random guy who happened to get her no. by chance and was simply trying his luck! I was amused. But then consciously stopped peeping because it was so stupid and my inherent social skills seemed to be cringing within.

The very next day, I was sitting next to a lady who could be as old as my mother. Grey hairs and all, she seeemd to be headed towards her office when she got a text and replied.

Sender: No dear, I'm only 35. (I mentally screamed, ONLY???? 35 IS A LOT OF AGE MAN)

The lady passed a hand through her hairs blushed and started replying.

Lady - Ok. I am 35 too but don't look like one. I look younger. ( I again mentally screamed,,  YEAH, RIGHT!)

Sender - I'm waiting to see you in person dear. Let's meet up.

Ok, this one was seriously funny. I've realised its not only socialites who want the spotlight on them. Normal people won't mind some attention too. Nevermind the fact that it is from some random despo who has got nothing more than a free msg scheme in his phone and horniness on his mind.

And they call ME weird. Of all people!!! Didn't I say, life is funny!

It's better to watch things than to do them ~ Homer Simpson

The Age of Innocence

The thought, rather a memory, occured to me yesterday. I doubt if any one of you remembers the television serial "Just Mohabbat" that used to be aired years ago on Sony. I recalled a scene (all of a sudden) where the protagonist, Jai (grown up version) is crying. His imaginary friend, whose name now escapes my memory walks up to him and asks why is he crying

Jai - I'm crying because I have lost my innocence.

Imaginary friend - What's that? Where did you lose it? Did you drop it somewhere?
And there, his friend begins searching for innocence among the dusty ground, as if it was a misplaced ball, lost while playing gully cricket.

I smiled to myself when I thought of this scene. Weird scenes, which pop up from the deepest layers of memory and tell you what have you been missing all this while. Maybe, it's criminal to be innocent now. I, see my ten year old cousin sister who has got far more attitude than what a bitchy babe in any of the chick flicks could ever have. Yet, my younger sis is innocent and admirable in her own way and I, do not say this simply because she is my sister. I say this because I know that she is yet unaware of the world and how it works. She tends to act smart only about things she can understand. Her smartness often gives way to innocent questions and remarks which leave me feeling amused.

And with this thought comes the knowledge that no matter how hard I try, I cannot be my innocent self again. I want to unlearn the art of ignoring random men who tend to check me out when I travel. I want to unlearn the fact that people judge other people on the basis of which car they drive and what have they accomplished in life. I want to unlearn those fake smiles. I want to kill this spirit of cut throat competition, revenge,professionalism and probably lose a bit of attitude too.

 I want to smile a smile which is reflected in my eyes....even if it happens once in a blue moon. I want to paint with water colours, smear glue on my hands and desk and wait so that I can peel it off. I want to dance on the tunes of mowgli and ride my bicycle again all around my colony. I want to believe in fairy tales where pumpkins were coaches, mice would turn into horses and the world was a beautiful place during the day, but scary by night. I want to be a child again!

The innocent and the beautiful have no enemy but Time ~ William Butler Yeats